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How To Save Your Relationship Is Your Relationship Beyond Saving? The answer may surprise you… Most relationships end unnecessarily and could have been saved. No, you did not read incorrectly. Most relationships end unnecessarily and the breakup could have been prevented. For over 30 years I‘ve specialized in saving relationships that were on the verge of ending even when only one person still wanted the relationship to work and even when they had no hope that it could be saved. I have a passion for saving relationships. I believe in Love AND, I am also grounded, pragmatic and result oriented in my approach. It is my passion to save dying romantic relationships and to keep those relationships thriving for a lifetime together. It is that passion and mission that has compelled me to give you all the information you need to get started, for FREE, to save your relationship. I am happy to directly help you to save your relationship. If you would like to interview other therapists I am also including, on this page, the information you’ll need to find the right person to help you to save your relationship. When Is It Too Late For A Relationship To Be Saved? When YOU give up or throw in the towel. You’ve probably already tried everything you know to try to get your partner to give you a last chance. It’s not working, is it? What You’ll Learn From This Webpage To Help You To Save Your Relationship On this page I will cover: why it’s essential for you to get help and coaching from the right relationship counselor; what to look for in a relationship counselor or coach; how to find the best person to help you; what to ask counselors to make sure they’re the right one, before you commit to a paid session. I’ll also give you tips on how to get the most out of working with the one you choose to work with; and how to make sure that the way you go through the counseling doesn’t cause your partner to break up with you for good. Why Finding And Going To A Relationship Counselor Is Usually A Critical Element To Convince Your Partner To Give You a Last Chance Usually, the person that has initiated the breakup has been trying to get their partner to go to relationship counseling with them. They have been put off or flatly told no. I’ve worked with some couples where the person that wants to end the relationship had been rejected by their partner for weeks, months and even years, in their efforts to get them into couple counseling. Initiating finding and going to a couple counselor, as soon as possible, demonstrates your willingness to be responsive to what your partner has wanted. …It can also help your partner to get past one of their biggest objections to giving you a last chance, which is their concern that there’s no reason to believe that anything will be different. One of the primary reasons your partner was wanting to go to relationship counseling in the first place is that they thought that it could help to make the relationship workable for them. Can Self Help Books, Home Study Courses, Couple Seminars Or Retreats Successfully Take The Place Of Relationship Counseling To Save Your Relationship? In my professional opinion, no relationship expert, including myself, through writings, teachings, talks or seminars, can take the place of 1-1, in person or phone counseling/coaching for your relationship. The right relationship counselor, working with you on a one to one basis, can fine-tune an approach that’s precisely tailored to save your relationship and give you the best chance to save your relationship. Why I’m Recommending That You Get Relationship Counseling or Coaching As Soon As Possible It might take awhile to research and find the right counselor and get an appointment with that counselor, so get started now. When it comes to saving your relationship, time is not yet on your side. You’ve Probably Known Of Couples That Went To Couples Counseling And Wound Up Breaking Up. Is It Possible That The Wrong Therapist Can Do You More Harm Than Good And Even Contribute To A Final Breakup? Yes, that’s a valid fear. As you continue reading, I’ll show you how to maximize the possibility of picking the right counselor to help you to save your relationship. Pick A Counselor That’s A Relationship Saver, Not A Relationship Ender If you and your partner, or just you, are open to relationship counseling, I would highly recommend it with the RIGHT counselor. When a relationship is in crisis, it’s in a very delicate state. Relationship counseling is not neutral. It can help make the relationship better. If done incorrectly, it can push the relationship over the edge. All relationship counselors have their biases. Some therapists think that if a relationship isn’t working, a person should get out. They’ll tend to guide an individual or couple in that direction. I call them relationship enders. Other counselors, like myself, believe that, with rare exception, an individual and/or couple should do everything possible to learn and master the skills to make their relationship work and thus to save their relationship and often their family unit. We’re relationship savers. It’s My Professional Belief And Experience That Most Romantic Relationships That End, End Unnecessarily And End With The Couple Still Having Love For Each Other. It’s my experience, that for most relationships in crisis, that when an individual or couple gets the right kind of help and training and consistently practices those skills that they can actually not just stay together but can both individually thrive staying together. How Do You Find A Relationship Saving Therapist? You need to first know what to look for. I’ll teach you that shortly. You then need to spend the time calling and interviewing relationship counselors until you find the one that meets the criteria you’re looking for. Why You Shouldn’t First Ask Your Partner If They’re Willing To Go To Relationship Counseling With You Before You Go Through The Time And Effort To Find the Right Relationship Saving Counselor If you ask your partner to go to relationship counseling with you before you’ve found the right counselor and your partner says NO, you have nowhere to go. If you’ve already researched and found a relationship therapist that meets your criteria and you can tell your partner about the time, effort, and results of your research they are more likely to say yes. If you ask your partner to go to counseling with you and they say YES, you also need to be ready to set up that session as soon as possible. In my experience, once a person has said they want to break up, the longer the distance from the time when they said they were willing to go to see a couple counselor and the time of that session, the greater the chance they will change their mind and refuse to go. If the caller’s partner has already agreed to go to a relationship counselor with them, as a Relationship Saver, I do everything possible to give that couple a first session with me the same day they call me. Tomorrow is often too late because by that time sometimes the leaving partner has changed their mind and refuses to participate in the session. What To Look For When You’re Interviewing Relationship Counselors First, it would help you to understand, in general, how relationship counseling is conducted. There tends to be two different ways that relationship counseling is done. The way relationship counseling is often conducted, the therapist will get the couple to come in and talk about the problems and their upset feelings and each session they will have them talk about their feelings and problems and perhaps give them insights and understandings as to why they have those feelings and problems. It’s a process that can go on for months and even longer. That way of working takes a long time. Often, a person that’s ready to leave the relationship won’t stick around that long. There’s a bigger problem with that way of working. If a therapist gets a couple to talk about the problems and to continue to rehash those problems and upsets each session, without giving them tools and solutions, the couple and especially the person that’s on the verge of ending the relationship, will tend to get even more upset. It’s a potentially destructive way of working and can wind up finalizing the breakup. A competent, experienced therapist can usually get the bulk of the information they need to help you to save your relationship, within that first session and can also, during that 1st session, give you an overview of how specifically they can help you to get the relationship back on track. With the right counselor, if your partner is, in any way, open to giving you a last chance, your partner will leave that first session with you with a feeling of guarded hopefulness. They will see that with the counselor’s help, that if you two follow through with what you’re learning from the counselor that you really can make your relationship work. When your partner has told you they want to break up, that first couple counseling session will either help you to get a last chance with your partner or, if that session is conducted incorrectly, it can finalize the breakup. In my experience, that first session with a couple, when a person has already told their partner they want to break up, is a very delicate, critical time. As a Relationship Saver, I find that it’s useful to assume that the leaving partner is one step away from leaving for good. If I’m wrong, no harm. If I’m right, then I will proceed with a caution that can help that couple to have a turning point. In my experience, in most cases, that despite their insistence that the relationship is over for them, they are willing to come to that first session because they secretly hope there really is a way to save the relationship and they really do want to be able to justify to themselves giving their partner a last chance. In my experience, most come to realize, by the end of the first session, that with my help, the relationship really can get better for them. They are now willing to give their partner a last chance and to come back for more sessions with me to learn how to make their relationship really work for both of them. How Should You Interview Relationship Counselors, By Phone, By Email Or In Person? Many therapists will initially talk to you for free by phone, few in person. You will probably get the information you need to make your decision, if they’re willing to talk with you by phone. Do NOT try to interview them by email. Even if they’re willing to do that, there are too many nuances of important information you’ll get by phone that you can’t get through email. When You’re Interviewing Relationship Counselors, First Pay Attention To How You Feel When You Talk To Them Pay attention to how you feel when you talk to the therapist. If they talk down to you or they make you feel uncomfortable, they are probably wrong for you. If you feel calmed or reassured when you talk to the counselor AND they meet your other criteria, that’s a good sign. Other qualities to look for when you’re talking to potential counselors: Do they have a positive attitude; are they confident in their abilities to help you save your relationship; are they friendly, encouraging and supportive. What You Should Ask Therapists when You Interview Them and What To Look for for in their Approach to Relationship Counseling Here’s an example of how to interview potential Counselors to help your relationship: You(Y): Hi, my relationship is in trouble and I was wondering if you could help me. Do you have a couple of minutes so I can tell you, briefly, what’s going on and find out how you would work with us? Th(therapist): sure, go ahead. Y: You briefly tell them you presenting problem. (For example): My partner caught me cheating on them and they’ve said they’re fed up and they’re going to leave me. Can you help us? Th: I hope so. I can see you this Friday at 3pm. Y: can I ask you a couple of brief questions? Th: sure. Y; How long have you been in practice and what do you specialize in?” (Usually, nothing takes the place of experience. A therapist that’s been in practice for 10 years or longer, specializing in saving romantic relationships, has a level of understanding based on their experience that newer less experienced therapists don’t have access to. However, you will occasionally run across a newer, very competent therapist that can really help you out.) Y: How specifically would you work with us?” (If you ask a relationship counselor “how they approach saving a relationship” and they can’t tell you their process of how they go about doing that, they either are “unconsciously competent” in saving relationships or they aren’t very skilled in doing that.) How To Find Relationship Counselors Or Coaches To Interview Here are some sources: online yellow pages; the yellow pages; ads in your local papers; word of mouth; your local church or temple. Why Not Just Go To Whomever You’re Referred To By A Friend, Relative Or Your Family Doctor? You can certainly include those referrals as part of the group of professionals you interview. Stay conscious and do your homework by interviewing them with the questions and criteria you’re getting in this section as well as other questions and criteria you have. Just because someone you know went to a therapist or knows of them, or even got good results with them, doesn’t mean that therapist is the right one to save your relationship. You have your own unique situation. And, you probably will now have different and much more refined screening criteria for choosing a relationship therapist than the person that gave you the referral. If money Is An Issue For You, Why To Not Go To A Therapist That Your Insurance Will Cover Or Go To A Place That Charges On A Sliding Scale In my opinion, insurance companies are in the business of making the most money, not getting you the best help. All the insurance companies I know of require a therapist to cut their fees, often to cut their fees dramatically, to be allowed to be in the “system.” Top Relationship Savers are unlikely to be willing to cut their fees to be a preferred provider or be in the network for an insurance company. Places that charge for therapy based on a sliding scale, can usually afford to do that because they have volunteer therapists that are still in school or fresh out of school. Remember, you need a seasoned, experienced Relationship Saver. If this is your last chance, you want to go with the best Relationship Saver you can find regardless of the cost. If you factor in the emotional cost of an ended relationship, along the possible costs of separate households and separate living expenses, the cost of a great Relationship Saver is a fraction of that. If you’re married, you can add in the cost of divorce attorneys, spousal and/or child support. If money is a problem for you, you’re better off going to a top Relationship Saver less often, than a cheaper less effective therapist more often. You’re much more likely to save your relationship going to the best Relationship Saver you can find. I strongly recommend that your top criteria for who you pick NOT be the cheapest therapist or one that’s covered through your insurance. What If The Therapist Won’t Talk to You on the Phone and Their Receptionist Says You Have to Make and PAY for An Appointment to Talk to Them. My bias is, that I wouldn’t recommend you “blindly” pay for and see a professional before you’ve had the opportunity to interview them by phone. What If They Won’t Answer Your Questions on The Phone and Just Say Oh, Sure I can Help You, Just Make an Appointment If they can’t or won’t answer your questions, you have no basis to make a decision to take the next step with them. It’s time to call the next professional on your list. How to Get Your Partner To Go To Relationship Counseling With You When They’ve Already Said NO Here’s some of the most common reasons a partner gives of why they won’t go to relationship counseling with you and how to respond to those objections: Objection: I’ve asked you for years to go to relationship counseling and you refused. Now it’s too late. Objection: You’re the cause of all the problems so you should go by yourself. Objection: We tried relationship counseling before and it didn’t work. Why would it be any different now? Objection: I’ve already decided to leave. There’s no point in going. Objection: I don’t believe in relationship counseling. If we can’t solve our problems by ourselves then nothing will work. How To Increase The Chances Of Getting Your Partner To Go To Relationship Counseling With You Here’s a possible response that often works with all of the above objections: “I’ve found a relationship counselor that can give us the missing skills we need to get our relationship back on track and to help me be more consistently responsive to your wants and needs. Would you be willing to go to one session with me to check them out?” Why Ask Them To Go To Only One Relationship Counseling Session With You Rather Than To Get A Full Commitment For Couple Counseling You want to make it as easy as possible for them to take a positive step with you to get professional help for your relationship. It’s easier to commit to one session than to commit to ongoing relationship counseling. If you pick the right counselor, they’ll do the job of getting in rapport with your partner and showing the benefits to your partner and to the relationship of coming back to them for further counseling. If You’re Partner Still Isn’t Willing to Go to Relationship Counseling/Coaching With You, Is Your Relationship Doomed? It will probably be more efficient if your partner gets the relationship counseling/coaching with you. If they won’t go to counseling with you, definitely go yourself. You have a better chance of saving your relationship if you go by yourself to get 1-1 coaching to save your relationship than to not go at all. In my 30+ years as a Relationship Therapist, I have helped to save lots of relationships where only one person got relationship counseling with me. Isn’t It More Effective To Go To A Professional In Person, Than To Work With Them Over The Phone? That’s what I believed, IN THE PAST. Years ago, I was working with a couple that taught me otherwise. They were moving out of the area and asked to continue working with me. I told them that I had never worked with clients by phone because I assumed that it wouldn’t be as effective as seeing them in person. I said that I was happy to teach them how to find someone else that would be local to them. They said “we’ve been to a lot of therapists before we found you and you’ve helped us more than all the rest put together. Since you’ve never done phone therapy before, we’re asking you to give it a try with us when we move.” I told them that I was willing to try but would not continue if I felt it wasn’t as effective as the work that I was doing with them face to face. To my surprise, it was just as effective. They started referring new friends and work associates to me for couple counseling, who never had and never would see me in person. Again to my surprise, they were getting the same level of results as my in person couple clients. At this point in time, I work with most of my clients by phone. Even many of my local clients choose to work with me by phone because they’ve found it’s just as effective and they have a zero commute time. Thus, in terms of getting good results, I no longer believe there’s an advantage for you to work with a therapist in person. If you prefer to, that’s fine. Again, the key criteria is that you get help from a therapist who is highly trained, experienced, specializes in saving relationships, you feel comfortable with them, and they’ll give you skills and strategies as opposed to just sitting and listening or playing the referee. I Think That My Partner Would Be More Comfortable With A Male Therapist. Therefore, Should I Only Interview Male Therapists? No. If you find a male therapist that meets all the criteria I’ve laid out to you, great. But if the only therapist you find that meets all of the criteria is a woman, you’re far better off going to her. A competent therapist can get rapport with most people, men and women. What Do I Do If I Can’t Find The Right Therapist If you can’t find the right counselor, or if you prefer to work with me, you can reach me at 310-374-0372, 310-827-7986 or 800-887-6464. You can also contact me at: Contact Fred I practice what I teach, so I will NOT communicate with you by email. If you email me, make sure to include your phone number so that I can call you back. If I’m no longer accepting new clients when you call or email me, I apologize to you in advance. How To Get the Most Out of Working with a Relationship Therapist Be proactive in preparing for each session. Think about what you most want help with to improve in yourself, which would make the biggest difference in improving your relationship. In my experience, the clients that are the most proactive in planning for their sessions, and are the most proactive and consistent in practicing and mastering the skills I give them get the best results, by leaps and bounds. Why Many People Wind Up Breaking Up For Good After They Start Relationship Counseling And How To Avoid Creating That Fate In Your Relationship A lot of people that get into couple counseling have the illusion that they can stop being on good behavior and just use the therapist as a referee. Remember, your relationship is still in a very fragile state and it may not take much to negate the benefits a good relationship counselor can give you. Use your couple therapy time primarily to learn new skills, not to vent your upset feelings at your partner. In between sessions, you cannot afford to slip back into your old ways of speaking and acting that caused your partner to want to break up with you in the first place. Once you’ve been granted a last chance by your partner, one slip up on your part can finalize the breakup. Stay conscious. Be diligent and as consistent as possible in mastering the skills you get from your counselor. I wish you the best of luck. Take care,
Fred Talisman MFT 310-374-0372 P.S. Your relationship probably can be saved. The simplest, quickest way to find out if your relationship can be saved is to call me now for a free initial consultation. PS: If you still aren’t ready to get help, but you genuinely do want to save your relationship, Please click here for more information.
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